(Previously Published on Mrs Words Blog)

Feeling a bit disheartened at the moment… something happened on Social Media that really got to me. I normally don’t get bothered by much and I’m not really one to count how many friends I have or worry about whether people have ‘liked’ my posts or anything and none of those things caused my mini melt-down, but something happened that I’m not really able to explain.

What it did though, was cause me to second-guess myself, and not in a good or healthy way. I started to doubt myself and the gifts & dreams that I know God has given me. A self-berating speech started playing in my mind – you know the ones: “you’re not good enough; why are you doing that?; who’s gonna listen to you, or read that anyway?; you’re just gonna end up looking stupid; you’re not doing it right; you’re not clever enough; you haven’t got anything to say that’s worth listening to or reading; you’re a nobody and you’ll never be anything special”…

…and silly me, I started to believe it all again. I mean, I’ve been there and done that. I’ve walked that journey for many years, not believing that I was good enough, or worth anything and it had caused me to suffer the depths of depression for a long time. I’d listened to the lies of the devil for too long and I didn’t want to go there again, but I was feeling pretty defeated and down in the dumps about this little matter.

I talked it through with my husband last night, but I still didn’t feel any better or come to any conclusions. Then I had a pretty bad, restless sleep, tossing and turning though the night whilst I was mulling it all over in my head. I woke up this morning and it was the first thing on my mind and I was reminded all over again about my failings, short-comings and worthlessness.

I dragged my feet into the shower, hoping to at least momentarily shake-off some of the negative feelings and I started to worship. My shower is my ‘prayer closet’. It’s that time in the morning, everyday, that I physically & mentally prepare myself for my day ahead. I process all the things that I have to do, plan my outfit, plan my day and mentally get my self sorted while I physically get ready to face a new day. Then, I take some time to commit my day to God and pray about my needs and concerns and then I finish off with worship. Singing aloud songs of praise to my Maker. When my shower is finished, I leave my room feeling clean, fresh, dressed and physically ready to start my day – my mind is usually right there too.

Well today, my shower/prayer closet routine went out the window. Despite feeling so down on things, I turned on the tap, stepped into the hot running water and I started to worship. I sang sweet, simple songs of worship and praise to my Heavenly Father. Pushing aside my thoughts and feelings and immersing myself in glorifying God.

I’ve heard it said many times before that Worship edifies your soul. Well, in that moment, in my little steamy prayer closet, I felt my soul being edified. As I concentrated my thoughts, my energies and my vocal chords on Him (God), I was being fulfilled. I started to realise that what I had been feeling these last few days was certainly not how God wanted me to feel. He doesn’t want His children defeated or overwhelmed. He wants us to feel victorious.

I realised that the internal dialogue that had been playing in my head was straight from the devil, and I had been foolish enough to let myself get sucked in and to start believing all those negative things again. Been there, done that (many times before), and I didn’t want to ride that particular roller-coaster again. So, I continued to worship my God and just as I was about ready to turn the taps off, a wonderful verse from the Word of God dropped into my head…

“We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.“

Romans 12:6-8 (NIV)

…and there it was! The answer to fix my mini-melt-down was captured so clearly, so gracefully, right there in that glorious, releasing scripture. You see, I had begun to lose sight of my gifting and what God had anointed me to do, in this whole social-media-causing-me-a-melt-down episode and I started to focus on not being good enough, or not being worthy. But the Bible doesn’t state that you have to measure up to something, or achieve certain goals in order to “be some-one’, or to ‘make it’. No! The Bible tells us, that each one (EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US) has been given DIFFERENT gifts – not the same gifts, moulded to the same cast, to do the same works, to achieve the same goals, to be the same – according to the GRACE that has been given to us. So, again, not by works or achievements or good looks, but by His GRACE that He has given us.

And just like that, the weight started lifting off my shoulders, the negative internal dialogue quieted down, the self-doubt and the feelings of insignificance started to fade as I caught sight of His Grace, His Gifts, and His Promise to me. I started to believe in myself again and slowly as the day progressed, I could shake the disheartened feelings and the unworthy thoughts and then the whole episode didn’t seem to bad or so big anymore. It kind of seemed like it was a little, insignificant matter and I felt a little bit frustrated that I had wasted so much time, worry and effort on letting it get to me so much.

You see, God is on our side. He created us, He loves us and with God, nothing is impossible. You may have some incredible, AWESOME dreams within you that may seem almost unattainable, but God has also put the gifts and talents within to fulfil those dreams. He has blessed you with the ability to excel in life. In everything you put your hand to – if God is at the centre of it then it can go beyond your wildest imaginings. Miraculous indeed!