My husband travels a lot for work. In fact, he is away right now. He’s been travelling away from home, both overseas and interstate, for more than six years, and being the expert that I am (ha ha), I thought I would share a few things about how we make that dynamic work for all of us, because it does impact upon the entire family in some way or another.

Whenever we know that a work trip is coming up, we firstly check our family calendar together to make sure that the dates of travel will least affect our previous plans, if it’s at all possible before the flights are booked.

We have a set of nonnegotiable dates or events (like Birthday’s, Anniversaries, Special Family events, Celebrations, Important Ceremonies, etc.) that are marked as ‘family time’ and unless absolutely unavoidable, we refrain from any work travel at those times. Having said that, a few children’s birthday’s and one wedding anniversary has been missed in the past few years, but we make that time up and celebrate extravagantly at the next possible opportunity.

Secondly, and this is very important with little kids in the house especially, we make sure that everyone knows that Daddy will be going away for work. We ensure they all know the dates of travel and how many nights he’ll be away, and when he is expected back (so life can go back to normal when he returns).

We have older (teenage) kids, and they are now used to work travel happening often, but when they were younger, it was hard for them to get their head around Daddy being away a lot. We now keep a shared family calendar on our smart phones and as soon as travel (or any other event that effects the family) plans are made, it goes straight onto the calendar.

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Preparing for the Departure

We always try an make the packing and ‘preparing to go’ time as pleasant and enjoyable as we can. We have the mentality that these final moments before the ‘good-bye’ really matter as these will be the moments that are remembered by all.

My husband likes to pack his suitcase all on his own, but he loves it when I have all his washing done and his clothes folded so that it is all ready for him to grab and pack. So, I try to make sure that I have that done for him in time for his trip.

This doesn’t always go to plan however. For example, this trip that he is currently on, the preparation time was not that wonderful. We had a few busy weeks in a row and he has been away a lot, so getting the washing done was a bit difficult, let alone having time to fold it. I have to admit, I failed miserably, which made his packing more difficult, so he got a little grumpy and I was tired, so I didn’t respond well to his grumpiness and… well, you know what happened then. Let’s just say that this preparation time wasn’t all that great.

So, here’s how we can all do this time better:

• Make sure all the things that are needed to be packed, are washed in advanced and allow time for drying before packing if at all possible;
• Fold and lay out all your clothes in piles before packing into suitcase to make sure that you have full/complete outfits. You don’t want to leave your underwear behind, or have three pants and only 1 shirt that matches, or only one bra and its in the wrong colour for your tops.
• Ask your family for help if you need it or want it. Sometimes children can get on-board with things if they are part of the process, so give them a little job to do, an item to collect, or help with one of the things listed below. It might be easier to do it all yourself, but if your family is struggling with the idea of you going away for a few days for work, this is a great way to subtly help them come around to the idea;
• Put your phone, computer, head phones, kindle (all your electronic devices), that need charging, on charge the night before you depart (or at least a few hours before if possible). If everything is fully loaded with battery power, you are setting yourself up for a successful trip;
• Choose the correct sized suitcase for your trip. If you have lots of stops and changeovers along the way, see if it’s possible to just bring hand luggage. If you need to take parts/products with you, you will need a strong/sturdy hardcover case. If you are only going for a short time and don’t need to bring too much, think about bringing just hand luggage. Figure out what best suits your travel and run with it, knowing that each trip will require different type of packing;
• Don’t forget your toiletries. As we travel often, we keep a set of toiletries aside in a pack just for travelling, so we don’t have to leave the ones at home without and we don’t forget to bring ours;
• If you are a little bit precious about germs and wish to avoid them as much as possible, remember to bring lots of antibacterial wipes and gel to wipe down surfaces and your hands to keep yourself as fresh as possible;
• Check your attitude. Take a moment here in amongst all the busyness of packing and organising and planning to stop and breathe. Remind yourself that your family don’t have to put up with grumpiness or stress. This time is important and your loved ones need to understand that you value them. If you need to, go and hug your kids and kiss your spouse, take a moment to tell them they are special to you and then continue on with your packing…
• Always have a few items like mints, chewy, throat lozenges, etc. with you. These are helpful to keep your breath fresh, lessen the likelihood of un-popped ears from the airplane ascent and descent, and stave away hunger for just that little bit longer (until you can get a decent meal into your body);
• Bring your itinerary, or at least have it saved onto your phone, especially if you are going overseas. You will need to be able to easily locate your flight info and accommodation details when asked by authorities. Also, leave a copy with your loved ones, so they know where you are going and when to expect you home;
• Make sure that you have a little stash of cash tucked away in your day bag. Even if it is a work trip and work covers all your food, accommodation and travel expenses, there are still some places and things that will require you to pay in cash. Also, it’s sometimes nice to bring a little trinket or treat home for your spouse and/or kids, if you come across something that you know they would appreciate;
• If you are going overseas, don’t forget your passport. We have arrived at the Airport before and left our Passports at home (a 45 minute drive away, and the plane was leaving in 1 hour). Keep your passports in a snap lock bag inside your handbag/day bag/back-pack at all times, so it is unlikely that you will leave it behind;
• Remember to bring all of the charging cables for your devices (we keep a separate/extra set of charging cables in a pencil case just for travelling);
• Remember to bring your phone (and any other devices that you were charging);
• Always bring some pictures of your family, your loved ones with you, whether on your phone or in actual printed photo form. It’s great to show them to your colleagues and co-workers and it brings a little bit of home with you wherever you go;
• Pray! Together as a family and as husband and wife, pray for each other. Pray for a covering over your family and the loved ones left behind, and pray for safe travels and success for the traveler. If you want help with what to pray for, take a look at ‘A Traveller’s Prayer’ here.
• Make time to have some good intimacy with your spouse before you go. Yes, I am talking about sex! Yes! I really went there 😜. Take the time to connect intimately and reinforce your love and affection for each other. This is vitally important for your relationship and gives both of you wonderful memories to take with you when you are apart.
• Finally, wear your wedding ring and keep it on the entire time you are away. It is a sacred sign to others that you are taken and loved, and that no one else stands a chance vying for your attentions. It’s also a reminder to you, to the promise you made, the covenant you have with your spouse. Sometimes, a glance at your wedding ring is all that you need to refocus and re-calibrate your attentions off the wrong things and to stay faithful to your spouse.

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The Goodbye

I don’t mean to sound morbid here, but I know you’ve all seen movies and heard stories about peoples last moments with their loved ones before they pass and how, if things were left badly, guilt and regret is carried for a long time. Final moments can’t be undone, so make them matter.

Make ‘I love you’s’ lavish and real. Make them memorable. Make them unmistakable and intentional. Every single family member needs the time and opportunity to say their goodbyes in their own way. Don’t let it be that you rush out the door in a hurry, or in the middle of the night, or when everyone is distracted with their own things and you slip away. Please make the ‘goodbyes’ matter.

One last hug and a lingering kiss with your spouse is a wonderful way to part ways. These things shouldn’t be only left for fairy tales and the movies, they truly can and should happen in real life.

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Tips for the Travelling Spouse

To your loved ones (your spouse and kids), it seems like you are getting the best part of this deal. I mean, you get to pack some bags and go away, from the ordinary everyday life, from the mundane, the norm. You may be working and it may be difficult, stressful work, but to the ones staying at home, you are getting to go on an adventure and see places that the rest of us have never seen. Keep that in mind.

Firstly, I want to remind you that just because you are away from your family, doesn’t mean they need to be out of your mind. ‘Out of sight, out of mind’ is the opposite of what we are hoping to achieve. Think more ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ type of vibes.

Your marriage is a sacred covenant and your children are blessings, do not forget that. Stay faithful to your loved ones. No amount of travelling, no other momentary experience will ever be worth the cost of losing your family because of poor choices.

Keep communicating with your loved ones. We have an agreement that the traveler instigates the phone contact during the time they are away, as the ones at home don’t always know when the traveler is available to chat. With time differences, it can be a little difficult to navigate. There are of course exceptions and home needs to call the traveler, but we stick to this arrangement most of the time.

It looks a little something like this:

• Text when you arrive at the airport from home;
• Text when you are boarding, so it’s known you won’t be contactable for the duration of the flight;
• Text when you land and its safe to turn on your phone;
• Text when you arrive at your hotel, or your work-place, or whatever is your first destination;
• Text before you go into a meeting;
• Text when you get out of a meeting;
• Text or call to chat when you are transiting between locations;
• Text or call when you have some free time/down time;
• Face-time or Skype around the children’s bedtime if it’s at all possible;
• Text or call when you are settled into your hotel room for the night;
• Text when you are checking out of the hotel and heading to the airport;
• Text when you arrive at the airport;
• Text when you are boarding plane;
• Text as soon as you land;
• Make sure your loved ones know when to expect you home.
• Take photo’s of your location, your hotel, your food, and any other fun thing you come across and send them to your loved ones. This way they can see a bit of your journey and experience a bit of what you are experiencing with you.

All in all, it’s about keeping the lines of communication open and keeping your loved ones in the forefront of your mind. It may seem like a lot of texting listed here like this, but during the normal course of a day, when you are at home, how much do you communicate with your family? Why should it be less or non-existent when you are away?

Also, for spouses, make time to keep the spice on. Sexting each other is the cherry on top of the whole communication thing. Keep the home fires burning, as they say, by making time and effort to let your spouse know that even though you are apart, you are still cherished, desired and loved.

We don’t send risque photo’s (because there is just too much opportunity for that to go wrong in today’s society), but we have our fair share of letting each other know through texts that they are being missed. It also helps to have late night chats or early morning wake up calls with each other to make sure that you both know that you are on each other’s mind.

Think back to when you were dating and revisit those long phone calls and nighttime chats. There is absolutely nothing wrong with communicating with your spouse like this. Sex is a great thing within the context of a marriage relationship. It may feel a little awkward at first, but I promise, your spouse will appreciate the effort (and the welcome home will be all that much more sweeter for it)….

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Tips for the Loved Ones that Stay Behind

When my husband first started travelling, it was hard on us all, until we (the ones left behind) decided to think of it as an adventure and a treat, where we could do some of the things that we didn’t normally do when things were ‘normal’ and Dad was home.

Once we have sent him on his way with lots of hugs and kisses, we plot and plan about how we are going to spend the next few evenings. We work out what food we would like to eat and what movies we want to watch and where we are going to go. It’s not that Daddy won’t like the food or the movie, but it’s more that we just do things a little differently when he’s not around, so that its a fun time for everyone.

For example, aside from the normal routine of going to work and school, we sleep in an extra 30 mins when Dad’s away, we don’t always have breakfast together at the breakfast table, we don’t always have a proper dinner (sometimes just toast or noodles), we have takeaways for dinner some nights, we eat our food in front of the TV, we watch movies together that Dad doesn’t necessarily want to watch, we go to bed a bit later, and honestly, not all the kids chores get done everyday (but we make sure that everything is nice and tidy in time to welcome the traveler home).

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Coming Home and Back into the Fold

When the traveler walks back in the door, welcome them in and lavish hugs and kisses upon them to make sure they know how much they were missed. Think ‘lost child coming home’ type vibes. Then, get out of their way and give them some space to settle in.

Each time the traveler comes home, there is a period of adjustment and re-calibration that occurs. It sounds odd, and it took me a bit to realise what was going on when my husband first started travelling, but it’s a real thing.

The traveler has been out in the big wide world on their own (away from family and loved ones) and they need to reacquaint themselves with home, with the everyday rhythms of the household, with the things that have happened or changed since they left, so give them that time and space.

My husband doesn’t immediately unpack everything, and he doesn’t always bring home gifts for us either, sometimes he’s not even ready to talk and tell us all about his exciting adventure away (in fact, it probably doesn’t seem that exciting to him at this point either). Usually, all he wants to do is sleep. He is tired from all the travel and the odd hours and different environments and he just wants to bask in the safety and security of being at home with his loved ones, and sleep.

To the ones that kept the home fires burning, do not take this offence to this. Just understand that this is what the traveler needs and let them be. When they are ready to interact in the real world again, they will. Just let them do this at their own pace. There will be stories to tell, information to pass on, significant happenings to catch each other up on, and that will all happen in due course. Be mindful not to overwhelm the home coming traveler. Let them just ease their way back in.

Also, to the home based loved ones – please don’t just dump everything (all responsibilities) onto the home coming traveler the second they arrive home. This is so very important to note. I used to feel such a weight when my husband was away. It felt like I was carrying a huge load, being a ‘single mum’ who works and having to do it all on my own while my husband was away. Truthfully, I was resentful of him and his fabulous traveling life. I used to literally dump all the responsibilities on him the second he entered the house and I would run and have some ‘me’ time.

This is unfair and honestly selfish. Please, don’t do it. Yes, it’s true, you have carried more than your fair share of the load while your spouse has been away, but there is a better way to gently and progressively hand some of that load back over to your spouse. Easing him and yourself back into the normal routine, functions and rhythms of your household and family will happen organically. Just hold on that little bit longer my friend and it will all balance back out in the wash.

To the home coming traveler – be mindful that your loved ones have missed you and want your attention and to tell you all the happenings from while you were away (especially the children), so make some time when you are rested and able, to listen to them and hear all that they want say. Also, be ready to tell them some of your highlights and different things you experienced while away. Showing them a few photos, or explaining the ones you sent while you were away is a great way to reconnect.

Also, know that you have been missed. In the everyday comings and goings of your family household, there are things that you do and a weight that you carry that you might not even be aware of. Simply being you and being a part of a family makes you important and your presence was missed. The little things you do were noticed, because they were left undone while you were away. So, please ease yourself back into the fold and take back the responsibilities you carry and let normal happen again. Welcome home!